IF YOU ARE EXPERIENCING DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. BEFORE TAKING ACTION, GET INFORMED ABOUT HOW TO BEST PROTECT YOURSELF AND WHAT RESOURCES TO ENGAGE TO ENSURE YOUR SAFETY. THERE IS HELP AT THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE AT
1-800-799-7233
This story is fictional, but draws on commonalities that many women have in experiences of abuse. Any similarities to anyone’s specific story is unintentional. The shocking statistics are that 1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime (this may be an inaccurate estimate as many do not report); domestic violence is the third leading cause of homelessness among families; every 9 seconds, a woman in the US is the victim of domestic violence; one third (1/3) of all women murdered in the US are killed by a current or former domestic partner.
The goals of this story and those to follow are:
- To bring awareness to how women in our society are socialized from birth to accept, excuse and try to fix the abusers in their lives
- To talk about our misogynistic culture and how it creates men who abuse
- To start a discussion of how to raise a generation of empowered women
- To start discussion of how to raise men who recognize and reject misogyny
It was turning into a typical muggy, midwest, summer day as Wendy prepared breakfast for her three children. Today would be water fun in the backyard above-ground pool and outdoor arts and crafts. Wendy loved being a mother and designing activities for her kids that would not just challenge their creativity but create lasting, wonderful memories. The trouble was, Wendy had found herself increasingly tired. It went beyond the kind of tiredness you feel when you haven’t had a good night’s sleep. It was a fatigue that was permeating her bones. Just getting breakfast on the table felt like an impossible task, much less setting up the fun for the day and attending to the kids’ nourishment and safety.
David had grabbed breakfast on his way out the door with a sneer and unintelligible, muttered comment. She had grown oddly used to this and barely noticed that it didn’t cause the deep sadness it used to. He still had a chip on his shoulder about their argument two days prior. Wendy couldn’t, for the life of her remember why it started. What she did remember were the cruel comments and names he hurled at her, along with the bruises on her arm and neck where he had brutally grabbed her and thrown her against the wall.
As inured as she had become to his hateful behavior, what did cause excruciating, emotional pain and tears to well in her eyes were memories of the frightened faces of her children. The nightmarish memories of running with her kids ran into the bathroom, locking the door and pleading with him to stop as he kicked it in, had become intrusive and flooded her at unexpected times. When they came, the memories paralyzed her with fear even when he was at work. She would walk down the hall of her small home trying to ignore multiple holes in the walls and the huge crack in the bathroom door. Her heart ached, knowing her children were being deeply and permanently affected by not only the unforgettable abuse, but by the pervasive tension in the house, each time David was home. They frequently awoke screaming from nightmares and would scatter to their rooms when David walked in the house. Wendy felt desperate, at times to run with them in her arms, to escape permanently into an unknown place and total anonymity where David could never find them.
During their 7 year marriage, Wendy had to go to the Emergency Room 3 times after David’s assaults. Once, he had fractured her cheekbone, resulting in an enormous shiner that Wendy had to hide with makeup and large sunglasses each time she ventured out in public for the following two weeks. Once he had choked her to the point of passing out and upon awakening, she called her friend who took her in to be checked out and once he had shoved her so hard, she’d fallen over the couch and hurt her back.
Why didn’t she take the kids and run to the women’s shelter? What kept her from taking out a Temporary Restraining Order and filing for divorce? These were the questions many reading this would ask. The greater question for all of us though, should be why does society accept abusive men and put the onus on women to be the answer to the problem of abuse? Why do men abuse? We aren’t asking enough of those questions. In our efforts to simplify a complicated, multifaceted problem, we heartlessly and ignorantly make the questions about why the woman doesn’t “just leave”. The truth is that victims don’t “just leave” for many reasons that have nothing to do with their character or strength and everything to do with a culture of victim-blaming that has been the norm for hundreds to thousands of years.
Wendy’s reasons for enduring were just as multifaceted as the reasons David had become an abusive man. Wendy had always been a stay-at-home mother, taking her greatest joy in being available to them at all times. As a result, she had no marketable skills with which to get a job, leaving her only to work for minimum wage. With three kids who would need care when not in preschool or school, she could not afford the childcare, much less what it would take to make it on her own.
While this reason may not seem significant when it comes to our own safety as women and that of our children, it is impossible to deny the daunting task of single-parenting in our society and economy. Courts follow child support guidelines based on number of children and the income of the parent ordered to pay it. In the majority of states, the numbers just don’t add up to what it takes to support a child. That is not to mention the cost of living in a society where increasingly, two incomes are required to provide for a family even when everyone lives under the same roof.
It should be noted that Wendy had once called the police after one of David’s tantrums that resulted in injury to her and damage to a wall. Upon arrival, the police acted as if she had no valid reason to call as David had left the premises. They told her she was probably just “blowing things out of proportion” and just needed “to calm down” and finally to “just take the kids and go to a hotel, if you don’t feel safe.”
In an article by the ACLU, CUNY School of Law and University of Miami School of Law, published by ACLU.org October 27, 2015, 88% of 900 advocates of domestic assault victims from attorneys, victims’ advocates, service providers and non-profit workers reported that “police sometimes or often do not believe victims or blame victims for the violence”. “Advocates identified police inaction, hostility and bias against survivors as key barriers to seeking intervention from the criminal justice system.”
Then there was Wendy’s very valid fear of the time her children would end up spending with David after their divorce. Wendy had seen many cases where children ended up spending a significant amount of time with their abusive fathers even after the abuse had been reviewed by the Court. She feared for what might happen to them if she weren’t present to protect them, or at least take the brunt of it. David had demonstrated a callous attitude toward their well-being and willingness to terrorize them by abusing her even with them in her arms. This haunted her each day and kept her from picking up the phone to call for help.
The truth is that Courts and Child Protective Services seem less concerned about the child having a safe and sane environment than they are about “right” of both parents to have parenting time, regardless of the fitness of the parent. Courts reason that just because a man or woman abuses their spouse, does not mean that they will abuse the children if they haven’t yet done so. The truth is that if the usual target of the abuse is now removed from access, the children frequently end up being the surrogate target.
In the article cited above by ACLU.org, “nearly 90% reported that contact with the police sometimes or often resulted in involvement of child protective services, threatening survivors with loss of custody of their children”. ~ ACLU.org
Finally, though, that day came. The final day David raised a hand to her, the last time he would chase her down the hallway with her 3-year-old in her arms. It was this bright sunny, humid day when it would come to an end. As she hunched over her baby cowering in the corner of her bedroom, to protect her child from the blows that were raining down on her own back, Wendy knew it had to stop. She endured the beating and waited as he stomped out of the house with warnings she had better watch herself. The door shut behind him and she heard his car pull out of the driveway.
Wendy mustered her courage and picked up the phone to call her mother. Her mother had known about the abuse, but only to a small extent as Wendy hadn’t been totally honest with her out of shame. Her mother had encouraged Wendy to stay with comments like “Wendy, he’s a good provider. How would you support those children without him?” Wendy’s mother had come up in a patriarchal age where women were taught to marry a man who could support them and were discouraged from developing independent ways of supporting themselves. Her mother had no intention of encouraging Wendy to submit to abuse in order to maintain support from her husband, but rather carried a fear that Wendy would be unable to support herself and her children as this had been a fear, she too had carried. In her day, women had virtually no chance of climbing a corporate ladder or becoming a professional as it truly was a “man’s world”.
As she made that call to her mother, Wendy braced herself for another conversation about her mother’s fears that Wendy would not be able to support herself and her children. But, this time, Wendy told her mother the entire story. She told her about the ER reports and told her she had photos to show her mother of her injuries throughout the years. She invited her mother to see the holes in the walls of her house. As her mother listened, something seemed to shift, albeit very slightly. Wendy’s mother told her to pack up the kids and to come to her house as soon as possible, with the caveat that they couldn’t stay forever, but for as long as it took her to get the divorce papers filed and to get David out of the house.
Fifteen years have passed since Wendy and her children fled her home, that day. With lots of therapy and counseling, her children are now beyond the symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, although they remain largely untrusting of others. Wendy needed years of counseling and medications to begin to overcome those symptoms. A year after the divorce, she returned to school and achieved her degree in Psychology. The traces of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder remained with her for a very long time, though. Even in school, however, she would have to sit in the back in case the professor gestured with his hands or dropped a book on the table as this would result in an immediate fight or flight response with the attendant racing heart, shortness of breath, extreme fear and trembling. She would have to exit the classroom to find a quiet place and allow her heart rate to slow before trying to go back in.
Wendy eventually tried dating again, although it took 3 years. At first, she saw it as a kind of living classroom where she would analyze her dates’ behaviors and what they said. She checked herself to see if she was ignoring red flags. There were many times she left it at one date and never gave away her phone number, address or any details of her life. Then, one day, she met the kindest man she could imagine. He had been through a rough divorce which had not been his choice and had grown children of his own. He was a Psychologist, himself and was gentle, respectful and understanding. Because he’d worked with Veterans with PTSD, he understood Wendy’s responses to stress and respected her needs to feel safe…and he made it safe for her. He put her children’s safety and their needs first as if they were his own. To this day, they remain married and Wendy marvels out loud “It has been ten years since anyone has raised their voice to me.”
Wendy has not just survived, she has overcome. Today, she can smile and know what it is to live a life that is relaxed, without threat and with love. She now works specifically with victims of domestic abuse and provides evaluations for the Courts. It is so often the case that in helping those who have been wounded in ways we relate to, we advance our own healing.
It is for Wendy and millions of other women just like her and their children, that we need to keep talking about this issue. There are more stories out there. There are more reasons. There are women who’ve survived domestic abuse and those who’ve died from it who range from victims of childhood abuse to those raised in loving and supportive homes. This is not a one-sided issue to be discussed only among and about women. It is an issue that extends to and should be about why our culture produces men who become abusers and why our social systems fail to protect their victims.
IF YOU ARE EXPERIENCING DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. BEFORE TAKING ACTION, GET INFORMED ABOUT HOW TO BEST PROTECT YOURSELF AND WHAT RESOURCES TO ENGAGE TO ENSURE YOUR SAFETY. THERE IS HELP AT THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE AT
1-800-799-7233
INANNA PROJECT 